Tuesday the 17th of September 2019 will go down as one of the most enjoyable days of my life.
A few weeks ago I was asked by Jane if I fancied a trip to London and share my experiences with the Lloyd’s foundation who have helped fund the stand to charity. To my surprise I said yes instantly, I guess that shows how far I have come.
The couple of weeks leading up to that however were full of anxiety, the feeling of letting people down, the day after day of pacing around my lounge talking to invisible people in preparation for a real challenge.
Finally, Tuesday arrives, a 4am start, an hours walk for the bus to make sure I was on time meeting Jane.
It’s odd as upon meeting Jane I felt ok, I’d prepared, I’d already felt the anxiety, or so I thought.
After sharing a few thoughts and a few giggles we boarded the train and then it hit me … oh my god this is it.
We chatted the whole way there Jane was really cool, we spoke honestly about our fears, I spoke honestly in front of strangers (that’s a real 1st for me ).
On arrival at London st Pancras following the chats, the coffees, the worry, and the laughs a lady next to me got up … Patted my shoulder and said hey good luck you will smash it …. OMG my heart went crazy.
Despite trains, tubes and the trepidation I seemed to feel an anxiety I’ve not felt for a very very long time.
It was one adrenaline and excitement fuelled with little fear of failure … Jane said to me prior to going in” it’s your story you can’t fail”.
The nerves did kick in though on entry to the building, but I was put at ease thanks to Jane, Gary and other staff members from Lloyd’s before going in the dreaded room.
One of the overriding factors to the build-up was Jane … She said it’s not her remit at all and she was clearly nervous yet somehow those nerves reassured me and I also felt like I was supportive of her … she cares so much about this project and others it was important for me to be cool as a huge day for Jane.
The rapport we have built is strong which made the journey so easy really.
When the time came for us to speak Jane spoke so well, I looked around at others listening to her and every person was so engaged in what she was saying.
My turn came I spoke from the heart, I put my paper away and just tried to tell my story, how I got here, how I found stand to and what stand to and Jane have done …
It was important for me to use the word “we”. As Jane always makes me feel it’s a joint venture and we work together.
The feedback appeared positive, I needed a break so we had an hour outside a café with a bottle of coke … I was proper buzzing … I’d done it and to use Janes phrase no one died 😉
I can’t explain the adrenaline afterward … it was great.
I’m not going to mention the train journey home … I think I want to save that for now but 5 days down the line I have calmed down and can be more objective about the day.
Only Jane knows this at present but the Saturday prior to London my daughter contacted me for the first time in 2 years, then London … and on Thursday I took that leap of faith to become sober. I’m not sure if the right word is irony but to have my daughter message before the biggest week of my life is odd to say the least.
Without stand to I may not be here
Without stand to I would not have this new found life
Without stand to I have no idea
Am so glad I made the call and so glad I have met all involved,
Words really aren’t enough
Thank you all at stand to and others that see the work they do.