The Early Years
At 15 years old, I started to drink alcohol. To be “one of the lads” it was popular with my mates at school to find the pubs that would serve underage drinkers. I was one of the “lucky” ones who was tall for their age who could probably just about pass for 18, although looking back now it was probably just greedy landlords wanting to line their own pockets rather than thinking of the affects alcohol would have on a child’s body.
One of the lads in my class lived across from our school, his dad worked for a local brewery and would always have a copious amount of alcohol in the house. We used to go to his house at lunchtime to raid his dads supply, drink a few bottles, act silly and then go back to school probably stinking of alcohol but without a care in the world. It always amazes me that the teachers never seemed to notice.
As a child, I was always the joker, the class clown who used to make mischief to hide my own insecurities. Inside I was shy and always worried about what people thought of me so I learnt to try to be funny to hide behind the real me.
I had been brought up in a good home, my parents worked hard all their life to ensure my brother and I had everything we needed. I was naturally bright but my class clown behaviour held me back at school and I just managed to scrape through my GCSE’s, getting enough grades to get me onto further education.
At 16, I left school and went to college. The partying continued and I was out on the town every Thursday to Sunday, always getting obliterated. I can’t really remember if I used to drink the other nights of the week, it seems a distant memory now. At 18 years old, I left college and got my first job, an office job with a local business.
The going out continued with the mates I made at college, at this stage I didn’t have a drink problem, I was just doing what any lad at that age would do. Go out, enjoying the freedom of adulthood.
My main passion in life was football, I spent my early to mid-20’s following my team all over the country and also travelled home and away with England. Every trip was always a boozy trip and I got myself into the usual scrapes, falling over, injuring myself etc. By this time, I was becoming a hardened drinker, I could sink 10 pints plus and not be ill. I would always know right from wrong and never got into any trouble.
One thing I have never suffered with is hangovers, whether this is by sheer good luck or just too much practice I’ll never know. Perhaps a good hangover is what I needed to steer me away from what was still to come.
Real Adulthood
When I reached 25 years old, I reached what I would call real adulthood. At 18, you think you know it all but really you know nothing. At 25 years old my world changed forever when my son was born. I remember being sat in an antenatal clinic to be told that my life was about to change for ever. Man, they were right!
At this point, my career was going ok, I was studying a professional qualification whilst at work. I have always been a competitive person, I want to be the best at everything so I battled on with the difficult situation of studying, fatherhood and a developing alcohol problem.
Life was tough, I was either working, studying or not sleeping due to having a premature baby in the house. My only release to the difficult lifestyle was to drink.
At this point, I still don’t think I had developed a serious alcohol problem although looking back now, the signs were there of what my future would become.
3 years later at 28, my second child was born and the same process of everyday drinking was still there, I was still burying my head in the sand about my developing addiction. “Alcoholics wake up and want a drink in the morning, don’t they?” I said to myself.
Realisation
I was now in my early thirties, I had finished my professional qualification and now was in a good job with good pay which I was fortunate to have as my alcohol bill was becoming more and more expensive! My job began to take me out of the country a lot, this was a dream. I could get away from the pressures at home and drink lots of free beer, either paid for by my hosts in whatever country I found myself in or just stick it on the company credit card. They should pay for my beer after all as they were making me travel was my thought.
Now in my mid-thirties, I was starting to be miserable of the cycle I was on. As soon as I got home from work, the first thing I would do, even before saying hello to my wife and kids was to go to the fridge and neck a can of lager in 30 seconds flat, then get another one!
At this stage, I was probably drinking 8 cans of lager every night of the week. At the weekends I would begin drinking at lunchtime, all throughout the day until I fell asleep on the sofa. Probably getting through 20 cans a day over the weekend.
Looking back, what upsets me the most is knowing what I have missed in my kids lives. At this stage they were 10 & 7 years old and they spent their weekends watching their dad drink himself to oblivion. I will never get that time back …
Change
I was now 36 years old, I had spent the last 20+ years of my life abusing my body. I was always of a slim to medium build but had that big beer gut due to all the drink I’d had inside me over the years, I was very conscious of this. I had begun a quite strict exercise program over the last couple of years thinking exercise is good but I never stopped drinking. My personal trainer had noticed my drinking habits were really bad, we used to have socials with the group where most people would have a couple of drinks. Me however used to have about 8 pints in the two hours we met for!
I decided it was time for change, so I contacted DAAS. At first, I was very nervous as at this time I was a director in a quite high-profile organisation. I was petrified what would happen if they found out about my drinking habits, although looking back now, they probably knew full well what demons I was battling with.
I have always been a proud person who never shows weakness. I thought having an alcohol problem was a sign of weakness and was always worried about what people would think of me.
I began to meet with Jane at DAAS early summer 2016, I found the sessions refreshing. For the first time in my life, I spoke about my battles with someone other than my wife. I found it easy to open up as there were no judgements about my problem, only support.
I will always remember Jane kicking me into touch when I said during one session that “I’m not like the people who drink special brew on a street corner”. Jane’s reply was simple, she told me that whilst I am not drinking 4 cans of strong lager that I am drinking 8 cans of lower strength lager! I am now embarrassed and ashamed of my judgement of others and fully recognise that there are lots of people dealing with their issues in different ways.
By August 2016, after about 6 sessions I found out I needed an operation. I had to miss a few sessions due to this and promised to get back in touch when I was fit again. I hate to admit that this was a relief to me as I wasn’t ready to stop drinking yet despite all the fantastic support I had received.
The Journey to Today
On New Year’s Eve 2016, I was at a friend’s house celebrating the end of the year and looking forward to new beginnings. I had it into my head that 2017 was going to be a year of change and I was going to start it by taking part in dry January.
The first 3 weeks of January were tough, I was living on Becks Blue to give me the taste of alcohol without having the feeling it gives year. I’m not sure how other people view alcohol free beers but it certainly was helping me to fight the urges and ease me through my change period. At the end of January, it was a friend’s 40th birthday and there was a massive party where everyone (except for me!) got absolutely hammered. I really really, really wanted to take part in the social but being the competitive, stubborn person, I am I just stood in the corner, not talking to anyone like a mardy child!
By the end of January, I had made it! I had been alcohol free for a month. I still had urges I was fighting and I was still the person who loved a drink and was alcohol dependant. I made the decision that I wanted to carry on alcohol free for a while longer.
February came and went, then in March I discovered the challenge “One Year No Beer”. Now due to my self-admitted over competitiveness I used this as an excuse to continue my new life that I was enjoying as an alcohol-free person.
After the first 4 months were over I really thought I had cracked it. I was no longer having cravings for a beer, I was just happy having the odd alcohol-free beer to make me feel part of social situations.
On 31st December 2017 my “challenge” was completed. I had hidden behind this challenge as an excuse to others as to why I was no longer drinking alcohol. There seems to be a stigma attached to it where you are negatively judged if you have a dependence on alcohol so with people knowing my character it just made it easier to use it as the “excuse” as to why I no longer drank alcohol.
Towards the end of the challenge people began to ask me what I would do on 1st January 2018. Would I drink again now the challenge was over? Would I start drinking again? My answer was simple and true … “I don’t know, I’ve not decided yet”.
At the time of writing, I have now been alcohol free for 18 months. I decided not to start drinking again as I was worried that I wasn’t strong enough to keep me off that slippery slope to oblivion again. I have absolutely zero cravings for alcohol, so why bother?
Reflection
I often reflect on my life, I’ve had some low times through alcohol, several regrets but accept that I cannot change the past but only the future. I am still quite emotional of the pain I have caused people in my life through drink, mainly my wife, kids and parents. They are the people most important to me and I am now in a job where I can put my family first and job second. I am very lucky to have a job I enjoy and one that gives me a good work life balance.
I look at how people treated me. I really found out who my friends were even though I confided in very few people. The friends I treated as my best friends treated me like there was something wrong with me for not drinking. I am a very loyal person but this has in my eyes slightly soured our relationship. However, I haven’t given up on my friends, deep down I think they knew what I was battling but probably didn’t realised how bad it had become. They accept me now for who I am and are now used to “the new me”.
My personal trainer has become a very good friend, he went through something similar in his early life in the army and was a great help with no judgements.
I look at our culture, it seems acceptable to drink until you can’t stand, speak or see. However, it isn’t acceptable to go on a night out and order a lemon and lime! This is quite sad.
One question I have never managed to answer is “Was I an alcoholic?” I really have no clue. Not once did I wake up in the morning and want a drink. I could manage to go out for the day with my family and not have a drink. However, when I was at home and had the chance, I just couldn’t manage to go without it. My moods would be terrible and mardy if I couldn’t drink. I once heard the term “functioning alcoholic” and I think this is what described me the best. I managed to hold down a demanding job, bring up kids but always find time and a way to get drunk.
The biggest thing I have never managed to do is to openly talk about my issues, I feel ashamed of the things I have done, the people I have hurt and I am still to this day embarrassed to say I had an alcohol problem. I am fearful of repercussions it could have on my work and family. I just cannot get past that but wish I could. I am still full of sad emotions to this day that just cannot come out. I got to know someone about a year ago through our kids playing football, we really clicked and he has probably become one of my closest friends. He told me recently that he is suffering from depression following the death of both his parents in a short space of time.
My reaction was to tell him I’m there for him and whatever he needs from me I will do it for him.
His reaction to me? He said to me “I know there is something troubling you, I can see it in yours eyes and if you need to talk I’m also there for you” It’s a good job I was on the phone to him as tears streamed down my face knowing that someone had managed to see behind my mask. Have I spoken to him yet? No but I’m not ready to either, maybe one day. It is just comforting that when I need to talk there is someone there to provide me with non-judgemental support
I realise my story was long, believe me when I say I have cut it right down, I really could write a book about my experiences! It has been both good and difficult writing this as I am full of guilt and regret. I really hope that at least one person takes inspiration from my story and goes on to make changes to their life and beats the awful things that come with alcoholism. When I say to people unaware of my past that I don’t drink and their answer is “I couldn’t do that” I always smile and say “If I can, then anyone can”.
All the best …